THE ANGER PHASE...
Gosh – I have been so angry lately about Irwin’s death. When I saw my therapist this week, she said that this is a quite normal feeling and that there is actually a process that splits grief in several stages. Since I want to understand a little better why I am feeling what I am feeling I went online – and thanks to the internet – there is a pretty good and not too long explanation on the five stages of grief. Here we go:
Grief can occur as the result of a number of different events – someone we know dies, a relationship ends, we lose a pet, we have to give up a long held goal in our life, or any other number of situations. But there is one common denominator in all of these events, and that is loss. Grief is a process of physical, emotional, social, and cognitive reactions to loss. The grieving process is often a hard one to work through. It requires patience with ourselves and with others. Although responses to loss are as diverse as the people experiencing it, patterns or stages that are commonly experienced have emerged. Knowing these five stages can sometimes help in coping with the process of grief and recognizing that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It should be noted that although most people experience all of the following stages, they do not experience them with the same duration, or in the same order, or with the same intensity. It is a very unique process.
Denial
Denial is generally the first stage in the grief process. It can be experienced as numbness or avoidance or isolation or direct denial. It is a stage in which we just cannot believe that the loss is true. We may tell ourselves that it did not really happen. It does not seem real.
Anger
Another stage of grief is anger. At this point, we have gotten past some or all of the denial, but now we are angry about the loss. We may want to take it out on something or someone, or we may just express our anger in ways that are familiar to us.
Bargaining
In the bargaining stage, we are trying to come up with ways to get back what we lost or just find someone or something to blame. Common thoughts include "If only I had just …." or "I wish we could have…." or "Maybe if I do this…."
Depression
The depression stage is just as it sounds, a time of sadness. It generally follows denial, anger, and bargaining when we feel helpless and hopeless to stop the loss. It may include crying, withdrawal, or any other way that expresses sadness.
Acceptance
The final stage is acceptance. Most often we have gone through all of the above stages and in many cases cycled through the above stages more than once before getting to acceptance. At this stage, we have (to some extent) reorganized ourselves and our thinking to incorporate the loss. This does not mean that we no longer get sad about the loss from time to time, but the sadness is now a part of us and does not keep us from functioning normally most of the time. Over time, the intensity of the sadness generally diminishes, but may never entirely go away.
Armed with the knowledge of these five stages, we can now better understand ourselves and others who are going through the grief process. Recognizing the stages can increase your empathy and support for others and provide permission for yourself to go through the process in your own way and in your own time.
SO – now that I am armed with the new knowledge, I know I am past denial because I truly had these dreams at the end of June, shortly after Irwin died, that he somehow left for a trip or had to go somewhere and somehow couldn’t tell me what was going on. I believed that he would be back some day. There is also not really any bargaining for me because nothing can bring him back.
Then there were these days of feeling utter nothingness where I just wanted to curl up under a blanket with the dogs and not move and not do anything but have my eyes closed. And I sometimes was feeling totally ill with just the mere thought of eating (too bad that has gone away…).
I also think there is an underlying depression. But I am so not going to take any medication. I am not taking any drugs and I am not going to start now. I just thought my life was pretty good, all set to become old with Irwin and not having to worry about a thing and then - bam, the rug got pulled out under my feet.
These days I get overwhelmed very easily by a lot of stuff that didn’t bother me in the past. Like the blinking maintenance light in the car. I know I only need an oil change, no biggie, but I feel like I don’t even have time to go anywhere. And I am angry because I didn't have to deal with the cars before. And not with all the things around the house, drains, gutters, backyard, lights, etc. I know I must sound like an awful bratt. Believe me, it is not that I feel I am too good to do these things, I just didn't have to deal with them for years.
Also, I am not spending much time at home because I am trying to escape the emptiness and the memories. That of course adds to the constant tiredness because I don't get much sleep and I started sleeping on the sofa again. That surely has to stop soon because that doesn't give me any decent rest. And on the other hand I need to be more at home. The office room looks like crap – I desperately need to organize all the paperwork. But every time I open the office room door, I just look inside and take a step back and close the door again. It annoys the heck out of me because I am usually not like that.
Plus, because I am so angry about my situation, I feel like shouldn’t be around people because I might snap at someone. Argggg… Why, why, why??? That's a very prominent thought.
And I so love my pooches but I feel I am not giving them a good home anymore. They are alone all day and were used to hanging out with Irwin. They are so sweet and loving when I get home. And all I do in return is feed them, let them out and lay down on the sofa.
Something has to change soon…I feel like going with the flow has been OK for now but somehow I need some serious a$$ kicking to get started on all the things that need to be done. And I am not even talking about the basement that is full of several collections (jigsaw puzzles, Christmas ornaments, die cast cars and matchbox cars) that I haven't really collected but I need to deal with at some point. Good grief – so to speak…
And then I think about what cool stuff is happening at the same time in my life and I should take that as a start for changing things. And I should be a bit happier. I still have that amazing, amazing bunch of friends.
Here are some of the good things - I started teaching again. This time at Knitch, my all-time favorite yarn store and I so love it. And I am working on a bunch of cool knitting projects – more about that later. My best girlfriend from Germany and her boyfriend are coming here next Friday for 10 days and on top of that I have a long Christmas vacation ahead, from December 23 until January 3. I already booked my flight to Germany. I can only hope they will have tons of snow. I will go hiking, watch ice hockey and ride sleds.
And of course, I keep thinking of this holiday season and being alone for the first time in a long time. It’s going to be strange to be single and hang out with loads of couples.
But enough now – I have blabbered for quite a bit and I actually feel a little better. Thanks for reading.
I still owe you the German visitor report.
I had a great time last week when my mom, sister and nephew were here. We went quite a bit shopping. I took Mom to Knitch on Sunday and she loved meeting all my friends. Just too bad that she couldn’t really speak with anyone. We also went to my Monday night knitting group. And since there is another German knitter, Mom got to chat there. ;-)
And we spent a day at the Atlanta Aquarium. If you haven’t been, please go. It is very, very cool. These are my favorite shots:
The complete album and a bunch of little videos can be found here.
My nephew had a blast with the dogs. I truly wonder who is more energetic, him or Hermione, my border collie.
They both adored him because he spend hours outside with them and played ball until I had to remind him that my house inside is not a baseball field and that he needed to throw a little less hard. I am sure he would have been sorry if he would have cleaned out my shelves full of china cows.
AND – he designed a very cool cow parade cow for me. A got a kit a very long time ago and I thought it would be fun for him to be a little creative and leave me with something that he designed.
After my family left, I also rearranged my living room and connected the two sofas after all. Somehow I like it better that way.
This is how the sofa was originally displayed at IKEA. Now, if I fall asleep, I can actually stretch my legs and I also have much better lighting when I knit. OH, yeah, I still knit. I finished a very yummy purple scarf last night for a friend. It's a belated birthday gift:
The stats have to be added later. I am on my lunch break at work and the ball bands are at home…I know used all of four balls of some GGH Italian merino.
So, I am going knitting at Knitch tonight. I don't know how many weeks I haven't been to see my friends for the Friday group. Geez... Yeah, things have to change.
