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FEELING GUILTY

Well, first of all - this not why I feel guilty today...

Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad!

Mom & Dad at the Oktoberfest 2002

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MOM AND DAD!

Today is my parents' 44th wedding anniversary! Somehow they managed to get married on July 10 and have me on the same date three years later. Such German planning… ;-) And the other great thing - they are still head over heels in love!

I love my parents to death - they are and were always the best thing in my life. No matter what happens to me, they are always there when I am in trouble (which I was quite a bit…) and they helped me through some very tough times in my life, like now.

Mom has called me almost every day since Irwin passed away. And she had been suggesting quite a few times that she would just catch a plane to be with me. I keep telling my mom that right now is not really a good time because I am in such turmoil of things and when she comes over I want her to help me with stuff. But that stuff is not in order yet or better I don't want to deal with it yet. So, I am walking a fine line between making her understand that I want her to be here with me and at the same time not offending her by telling her not to come now. Also, I don't want her to travel alone. That would scare the crap out of me. Not that she wouldn't manage to get here, my mom can be very determined. I guess, like mother, like daughter. But I want her to be safe and comfortable and I know from traveling a lot that so many things can happen and she wouldn't know how to communicate because she doesn't speak English. So, I suggested that she could come with my brother who is planning a trip sometime early next year. But of course that is not soon enough for her.

When she called me yesterday, she started again with coming to visit. And we went through the usual routine of discussion until she said that she talked to my dad about coming with her. Which I knew didn't go over well with my dad and I tell you why. If I wouldn't live in the US at the moment, my dad would probably move in with my mom to help me out. But he HATES to travel with a plane. His favorite vacation is to take my mom, their bicycles and drive with their car to Austria or some place in Germany. Meaning Dad has to be in charge. Which he is obviously not when traveling on a big plane for 10 freakin' hours.

My parents came to visit Irwin and me once in 2004, just after we bought the house and we had a great vacation. We took them everywhere in Atlanta and made lots of hiking trips to waterfalls and lakes. And they loved that vacation, but my dad told me at the end that he will probably not come back because it is just too much for him to travel like that and that he would rather pay my air fares to come visit them. That way I could also see the rest of the family. It is really funny because Irwin hated to travel as well. He loved to be in different places but he hated to get there. Just like my dad - I have noticed many times how alike these two guys where. I guess having their birthdays only one day apart helps. ;-)

Anyways, my dad is very honest and straight forward and I knew at that point that he would not come back. Even Hermione couldn't convince my dad…

Dad & Hermione

She fell in love with him the minute she laid eyes on him (who wouldn't…) and she would lie in front of my parents' bedroom until he got up. It was so cute. Well, Hermione, we might get lucky after all…

As I said, my mom talked to my dad about coming here to help me. I can just picture him getting all grumpy about having to have that discussion again. But my mom said that while they would be here, my dad could paint the house. My dad loves to work around the house and at the moment he is helping my brother to renovate his house. I don't know what my dad can't do. You name it - laying down wooden floors and tiles, hanging ceilings lower, painting, putting up wallpaper, etc. Pretty cool for someone who is a professional tailor!

So, when my mom mentioned the trip and renovating the house, he did not say "no" right away. Which means that when Mom will work on him some more, they'll probably come. But I will not push my dad because I know he will do anything in the world for me but at his own pace.

When he told him about Irwin's death, he actually offered to fly back with me to the US the very next day. That's my dad and it meant so much to me.

And I know why my mom really wants to come… She wants to meet all my knitting friends I have been raving about and she wants to go to Knitch. ;-)

But back to why I am feeling guilty… I know this will all sound stupid but I feel guilty to be alive and having to go on with my live without Irwin. I guess this hit me yesterday pretty hard when I drove home from a very nice dinner with a dear friend whose birthday was yesterday. If I wouldn't have taken her out to dinner, she would have been celebrating by herself. And I told her no way that would happen. We had dinner at Tamarind Seed, a very good Thai place in Midtown, exchanged birthday gifts and went for a drink after dinner to celebrate some more.

And here kicks my guilt in - I keep thinking I shouldn't celebrate. He can't either. But then I can hear Irwin's voice telling me "Honey, I am happy when you are happy." and this is killing me inside. Ever since we got together, he made my birthday so special. My very first birthday in the US was already super-special because we had to celebrate it before the actual date. I had to go back to Germany at the beginning of July because I was in the process of getting a working visa and you can't be in the country while the paperwork is being processed.

Here is a picture of us from 7 years - July 2001

DSCN1124

I miss him so much and I miss how he made me feel special. He would always buy really cool gifts and a lot of them, too, for every occasion. I remember that at one Christmas I unpacked presents for several hours. Irwin always paid attention to what I was doing and what I liked. He even bought me DVDs that he found utterly stupid like several sets of Dallas. He was a big shopper on eBay and at some point I gave him a list of very rare knitting books and told him, if he ever came across one of these books, I would love to have it. You can guess, I have them all now. Out of print books like The Principles of Knitting and a bunch of Alice Starmore books among them.

Irwin's sister told me last week that he was already ready for my birthday and that he told her just before he died that he had presents hidden all over the house for me. I haven't been looking actively because I decided that I am going to find whatever I find when I get to it. And so far I already found a few things.

Treasure Hunt Treasure Hunt

A very cute mug with a cow inside

Treasure Hunt

Cow magnets

Treasure Hunt

Lenox crystal turtles

It is really nice to find his gifts but I would trade them for him in a nano second.

I got home pretty late last night - shortly before midnight. That is way past my bedtime. And I thought I should have a glass of wine, say cheers to myself for making it to 41 and go to bed. Well, there was only one single wine bottle around. A very expensive red wine from 1997 which Irwin bought a long time ago for a special occasion and I was debating what to do and I thought - what the hell - this is the occasion now.

Cheers!

So I cheered to Valentino, the turtle I knitted Irwin for last Valentine's Day. I have to say, it is really some very good red wine. Of course, I had more than one glass and got all emotional. But I am going with the flow, if it has to be emotional, it's going to be emotional. Only the dogs have to watch me…

And they actually didn't care. Hermione wanted to play ball and Noah was very happy to function as a foot rest.

Throw the ball!

Let me be your foot rest!

Don't worry about me today, I am going to dinner with a bunch of girlfriends tonight and I promise to get over myself and try not to feel too guilty.

PS: Just in time for my birthday, my Knitpicks book order arrived yesterday:

Got books!

OOPS - blurry... I guess taking pictures and drinking wine at the same time is not such a good idea after all...

PPS: Yes, you see a crochet book. I want to make some of these Japanese toys for my niece.

Comments (448)

Shari:

Dearest Claudia,
Under no circumstances are you to feel guilty about anything - ever! Sorrow, yes. Grief, yes. Anger, absolutely. These are natural and will fade a little with time. No one ever really dies; we just change dimensions. Irwin is still with you and wants you to be happy. You are such a blessing to so many people. You have a purpose here. It is okay to be alive.

Shari's right, you know.

I really doubt that Irwin would have wanted you to feel bad about anything, he loved you so very much. My bet is that he wanted whatever would make you happy. Life is precious and short and so wonderfully terrible. Hang in there, the tough times will get less tough and will come less often.

You're such a wonderfully strong person to share your grief with us.

(And I can't wait to see your parents visit you. There's nothing like the way parents can simultaneously take care of you and irritate the hell out of you. It should be a fantastic adventure.)

I'll leave you with a bit of wisdom from Bob Dylan:

"It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be..."

I'm wishing you a Happy Birthday today because you DO deserve a happy day, especially with everything going on in your life right now.

You are such a wonderful friend to so many.

Carrie L.:

Happy Birthday Claudia!!!!

I hope that there is joy to be found in your life today.

I can't say anything close to as eloquent as Shari's comment, but please know that I'm thinking of you and sending you very happy birthday wishes! I'm glad you drank the wine. I hope your head didn't hurt too much when you woke up this morning!

amy:

Claudia-

We have never met, but I started reading your blog after my mom(Brenda Mazz. from the AKG) mentioned it.

I am very sorry for your recent loss. I wanted to say that that type of guilt is very natural when a close loved one is lost. Accept that for a while you will feel sad or guilty that you can't share these things, but remember that the best way to celebrate his life is by living your own and remembering him in the things that you do.

Give the dogs pets for me.

-Amy

Jane:

You know, feeling guilty is just as much a part of grieving as sadness and anger. While you have no reason at all to feel guilty (which I'm sure you know) our feelings are what they are. Acknowledge the guilt, and then move ahead and have a great time. As you said, Irwin always wanted nothing more than for you to be happy. So, enjoy your dinner, and have a very Happy 41st Birthday!

I can't say it better or more eloquently than the others already have. The process of grief sucks, but it is a process and, sadly, all that you're feeling is part of it. The only positive thought to hold onto is that you do get to the other end of the process eventually and, while things are never the same as they were, they get to be ok. You get to where you can remember and enjoy the good times without the pain (or maybe a more bittersweet pain, rather than so raw). Just know that there are many people in both your local and virtual circles of friends who care and are here to support you.

Diana T:

Dear Claudia,

As others here have said, far better than I can, feeling guilty is a natural part of grief. Even as you go through it, you know that Irwin would want you to go on and be happy. I've been thinking of you today and hoping that you have a good day. Wishing you a happy birthday.

AMIGURUMI!! :) I have that back. I have that book!

You're going to feel what you feel. Just ride it out. I think it is so lovely that Irwin hid presents all around the house. Each one is like a kiss or a touch from him.

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