FEELING GUILTY (KNITTING WITHOUT DOG HAIR IS NOT AN OPTION)

FEELING GUILTY

Well, first of all - this not why I feel guilty today...

Mom & Dad at the Oktoberfest 2002

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MOM AND DAD!

Today is my parents' 44th wedding anniversary! Somehow they managed to get married on July 10 and have me on the same date three years later. Such German planning… ;-) And the other great thing - they are still head over heels in love!

I love my parents to death - they are and were always the best thing in my life. No matter what happens to me, they are always there when I am in trouble (which I was quite a bit…) and they helped me through some very tough times in my life, like now.

Mom has called me almost every day since Irwin passed away. And she had been suggesting quite a few times that she would just catch a plane to be with me. I keep telling my mom that right now is not really a good time because I am in such turmoil of things and when she comes over I want her to help me with stuff. But that stuff is not in order yet or better I don't want to deal with it yet. So, I am walking a fine line between making her understand that I want her to be here with me and at the same time not offending her by telling her not to come now. Also, I don't want her to travel alone. That would scare the crap out of me. Not that she wouldn't manage to get here, my mom can be very determined. I guess, like mother, like daughter. But I want her to be safe and comfortable and I know from traveling a lot that so many things can happen and she wouldn't know how to communicate because she doesn't speak English. So, I suggested that she could come with my brother who is planning a trip sometime early next year. But of course that is not soon enough for her.

When she called me yesterday, she started again with coming to visit. And we went through the usual routine of discussion until she said that she talked to my dad about coming with her. Which I knew didn't go over well with my dad and I tell you why. If I wouldn't live in the US at the moment, my dad would probably move in with my mom to help me out. But he HATES to travel with a plane. His favorite vacation is to take my mom, their bicycles and drive with their car to Austria or some place in Germany. Meaning Dad has to be in charge. Which he is obviously not when traveling on a big plane for 10 freakin' hours.

My parents came to visit Irwin and me once in 2004, just after we bought the house and we had a great vacation. We took them everywhere in Atlanta and made lots of hiking trips to waterfalls and lakes. And they loved that vacation, but my dad told me at the end that he will probably not come back because it is just too much for him to travel like that and that he would rather pay my air fares to come visit them. That way I could also see the rest of the family. It is really funny because Irwin hated to travel as well. He loved to be in different places but he hated to get there. Just like my dad - I have noticed many times how alike these two guys where. I guess having their birthdays only one day apart helps. ;-)

Anyways, my dad is very honest and straight forward and I knew at that point that he would not come back. Even Hermione couldn't convince my dad…

She fell in love with him the minute she laid eyes on him (who wouldn't…) and she would lie in front of my parents' bedroom until he got up. It was so cute. Well, Hermione, we might get lucky after all…

As I said, my mom talked to my dad about coming here to help me. I can just picture him getting all grumpy about having to have that discussion again. But my mom said that while they would be here, my dad could paint the house. My dad loves to work around the house and at the moment he is helping my brother to renovate his house. I don't know what my dad can't do. You name it - laying down wooden floors and tiles, hanging ceilings lower, painting, putting up wallpaper, etc. Pretty cool for someone who is a professional tailor!

So, when my mom mentioned the trip and renovating the house, he did not say "no" right away. Which means that when Mom will work on him some more, they'll probably come. But I will not push my dad because I know he will do anything in the world for me but at his own pace.

When he told him about Irwin's death, he actually offered to fly back with me to the US the very next day. That's my dad and it meant so much to me.

And I know why my mom really wants to come… She wants to meet all my knitting friends I have been raving about and she wants to go to Knitch. ;-)

But back to why I am feeling guilty… I know this will all sound stupid but I feel guilty to be alive and having to go on with my live without Irwin. I guess this hit me yesterday pretty hard when I drove home from a very nice dinner with a dear friend whose birthday was yesterday. If I wouldn't have taken her out to dinner, she would have been celebrating by herself. And I told her no way that would happen. We had dinner at Tamarind Seed, a very good Thai place in Midtown, exchanged birthday gifts and went for a drink after dinner to celebrate some more.

And here kicks my guilt in - I keep thinking I shouldn't celebrate. He can't either. But then I can hear Irwin's voice telling me "Honey, I am happy when you are happy." and this is killing me inside. Ever since we got together, he made my birthday so special. My very first birthday in the US was already super-special because we had to celebrate it before the actual date. I had to go back to Germany at the beginning of July because I was in the process of getting a working visa and you can't be in the country while the paperwork is being processed.

Here is a picture of us from 7 years - July 2001

I miss him so much and I miss how he made me feel special. He would always buy really cool gifts and a lot of them, too, for every occasion. I remember that at one Christmas I unpacked presents for several hours. Irwin always paid attention to what I was doing and what I liked. He even bought me DVDs that he found utterly stupid like several sets of Dallas. He was a big shopper on eBay and at some point I gave him a list of very rare knitting books and told him, if he ever came across one of these books, I would love to have it. You can guess, I have them all now. Out of print books like The Principles of Knitting and a bunch of Alice Starmore books among them.

Irwin's sister told me last week that he was already ready for my birthday and that he told her just before he died that he had presents hidden all over the house for me. I haven't been looking actively because I decided that I am going to find whatever I find when I get to it. And so far I already found a few things.

A very cute mug with a cow inside

Cow magnets

Lenox crystal turtles

It is really nice to find his gifts but I would trade them for him in a nano second.

I got home pretty late last night - shortly before midnight. That is way past my bedtime. And I thought I should have a glass of wine, say cheers to myself for making it to 41 and go to bed. Well, there was only one single wine bottle around. A very expensive red wine from 1997 which Irwin bought a long time ago for a special occasion and I was debating what to do and I thought - what the hell - this is the occasion now.

So I cheered to Valentino, the turtle I knitted Irwin for last Valentine's Day. I have to say, it is really some very good red wine. Of course, I had more than one glass and got all emotional. But I am going with the flow, if it has to be emotional, it's going to be emotional. Only the dogs have to watch me…

And they actually didn't care. Hermione wanted to play ball and Noah was very happy to function as a foot rest.

Don't worry about me today, I am going to dinner with a bunch of girlfriends tonight and I promise to get over myself and try not to feel too guilty.

PS: Just in time for my birthday, my Knitpicks book order arrived yesterday:

OOPS - blurry... I guess taking pictures and drinking wine at the same time is not such a good idea after all...

PPS: Yes, you see a crochet book. I want to make some of these Japanese toys for my niece.

Posted by Claudia on July 10, 2008 6:07 AM | Permalink

KNITTING WITHOUT DOG HAIR IS NOT AN OPTION

FEELING GUILTY

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