I am back home and everything feels so bizarre. Like I am watching myself and it is like a sad movie. I can't get my head around that when I come into the living room or Hubby's office that he is not there and never will be ever again. He is really gone. That will take a long time for me to understand.
The dogs were amazing when I got home. Jacquie picked me up at the airport. The police was very thorough when they left yesterday and locked all the locks, even the one on the door into the garage. Which meant that I had to call a locksmith for us to get into the house.
While the locksmith opened the front door, Jacquie drove off to fill up my fridge and leave me some privacy to enter the house by myself. That was the part I feared most because I didn't know what to expect and what kind of a mess I would find.
But - I was glad to find nothing out of the order. I don't know how the dogs did it, but there were no puddles or poop. Amazing - the poor things were by themselves for the good part of two days.
Now we are all three cuddled up on the futon in my crafts room and I will try to get some sleep. And three of us will have have to get into a new routine. I kept myself busy with doing laundry and getting things in order. That is good therapy at the moment. I made several phone calls to Hubby's dearest friends and they are all in shock. It was just so unexpected - 55 is way too young to die. It is hard to tell people that their best friend from first grade just passed away.
Hubby's sister will come into town from Vermont tomorrow, with her husband, and then we will make plans for the arrangements.
I'll keep you posted. We might just have a very small and very private memorial service. Just like Hubby was a very private person. I just don't know yet and I don't want to decide this by myself.
THANK YOU ALL FOR THE LOVING COMMENTS!!!
This means so much to me. I promise to ask for help and a shoulder to cry on. I am sure I will need this soon...
Comments (41)
You know I'm am always here for you. Please don't hesitate to call anytime. I'm a real night owl and usually stay up until 1:00 am, so if you need to call late, do. Lots and lots of hugs.
Posted by Jane | June 25, 2008 1:29 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 01:29
My heart goes out to you. Wishing you comfort, and peace.
Posted by claire | June 25, 2008 2:41 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 02:41
Oh, Claudia. You don't know me from Adam, but my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry.
Posted by Kristin | June 25, 2008 2:52 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 02:52
My Dear Claudia,
Although I know there is so much more bitter than sweet in this return, welcome home. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by Stuart Schleuse | June 25, 2008 7:08 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 07:08
You seem to be doing good so far. You have family, your dogs and friends and that's important in my book.
Posted by Angelika | June 25, 2008 7:52 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 07:52
Claudia - you were on my mind ALL DAY yesterday. Just know that I am sending you strength and good energy. I can't even imagine how difficult this must be for you. I agree with you on the small private ceremony - he probably would have wanted it that way and this is your time and your family's time to be together and celebrate the man you all loved.
Posted by Knit Witch | June 25, 2008 8:08 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 08:08
You're on my mind and in my heart. Anytime you need anything. I'm here for you.
Posted by Katey | June 25, 2008 8:37 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 08:37
i can't believe it...i am so sorry, claudia. please know you are in my thoughts..if you need anything, please let me know. hugs to you darling!!
Posted by jana | June 25, 2008 8:49 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 08:49
Sweetheart, we all love you so much. Take the time you need but know we are all only a call away.
His love for you will never leave your heart.
Posted by Sandy | June 25, 2008 8:52 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 08:52
I've never read your blog before (I came over from JenLa), but since I just lost my husband in Jan, I just wanted to say that I know how you're feeling and that I'm thinking of you.
Posted by Trish | June 25, 2008 9:47 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 09:47
Claudia, I hope you know how much you mean to all of us and that your pain is our pain.
All my love & many prayers,
Phyllis
Posted by Phyllis | June 25, 2008 9:50 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 09:50
I got here by way of JenLa, and just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way. Massive internet hugs for your whole family
Posted by Kristen | June 25, 2008 10:18 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 10:18
Dear, dear Claudia,
I have been enjoying your posts from Germany, loving the scenery, enjoying your knitting with your mom. I saw the white flower, the picture of the day, and didn't know what had happened until last night when I went to Birdie's to knit.
Oh, dear Claudia. If there were anything I could do to take your pain from you, I would do it. If there were anything to say I would say it. If there were a prayer to pray I would pray it.
So just know that you are in my very full heart and in my thoughts. And, as we all say, if there's anything, anything I can do...
Posted by Annie Hall | June 25, 2008 10:50 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 10:50
I'm glad you have the dogs there. When I'm really upset, Jasper always comes in and looks all concerned and sad for me. That means it's time to gather him up in a big hug and cry in his fur if I need to.
Just take one day, one step at a time. And hug the dogs often.
Posted by Janice in GA | June 25, 2008 10:58 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 10:58
*love*
Posted by Emily | June 25, 2008 11:14 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 11:14
I am just so sad for you my sweet friend. There are no words. Sending loads of love your way. Please take care of yourself and reach out when you are ready. ((hugs))
Posted by Allen | June 25, 2008 11:32 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 11:32
One feels utterly helpless in trying to speak comfort at a time like this.
Ich versuche es nicht und wunsche dir Gottes Segen. Es tut Mir leit.
Posted by Evelyn | June 25, 2008 11:43 AM
Posted on June 25, 2008 11:43
If there is anything you need, please let me know, I am here!
Posted by Jenny | June 25, 2008 1:03 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 13:03
Claudia,
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted by Amy | June 25, 2008 1:16 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 13:16
Claudia,
I don't know you and you don't know me. Have been redirected to your site from Pixie Purls.
My heart goes out to you and I'm very sorry to hear of your loss.
Look after yourself x
Posted by Linda | June 25, 2008 1:27 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 13:27
Oh Claudia I am so very sorry. Those words seem so hollow and empty though. I wish I could give you a big hug and make your pain dissapear but it just doesn't work that way.
You are in my prayers.
Posted by Donna | June 25, 2008 1:35 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 13:35
I met you at SAFF this past year.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry. I'll keep you all in my thoughts.
Posted by Sarah (potterknitter) | June 25, 2008 1:41 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 13:41
Claudia,
I just got caught up on your blog today. I'm so terribly sorry. It's so awful! You have my deepest sympathy.
Posted by Anne Marie | June 25, 2008 2:18 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 14:18
Claudia, I am so sorry for your loss, please know that you are in my thoughts.
Posted by Clara | June 25, 2008 2:40 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 14:40
sending so much love your way, claudia. you are in my prayers.
Posted by evilsciencechick | June 25, 2008 2:41 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 14:41
I am still thinking about you today Claudia and continuing to send you my support and friendship in this tough time. I am available for ANYTHING-- just a phone call away...
Posted by Meg | June 25, 2008 2:42 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 14:42
i'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted by shel | June 25, 2008 3:49 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 15:49
So, so sorry. Praying for you and yours.
Posted by melissa | June 25, 2008 4:02 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 16:02
Dear Claudia, no words can really give comfort. We are strangers, but I still send my condolences to you and the family.
good thoughts are on their way across The Pond
Enid
Posted by Enid Mary Shaw | June 25, 2008 5:16 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 17:16
Claudia, I am so very sorry for your loss. May God's peace be yours.
Posted by Barbara @ Southern Lady's Vintage | June 25, 2008 7:50 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 19:50
Claudia, I just found your blog through Jen. I am so, so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you; know that many you don't know are thinking of you.
Posted by (formerly) no-blog-rachel | June 25, 2008 8:37 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 20:37
Dear Claudia,
Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.
Posted by Diana T | June 25, 2008 8:58 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 20:58
Ohh dear honey...thanks for even speaking to us in this form...you are remarkable and we all get a good reminder of how precious and impermanent this life is. I'm so sorry you lost your sweet hubby so suddenly. We love you so and wish you peace.
Posted by Ann and Richard Perry | June 25, 2008 9:27 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 21:27
Claudia, I just sat down to catch up on my blog reading and found this. I am sooo sorry. If there is anything I can do to help in the coming months PLEASE let me know. Even if it is just to listen. I am heartbroken for you.
Posted by KellyD | June 25, 2008 9:42 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 21:42
So sad. So sorry. He was such a sweet man. Be well and take care of yourself. Everyone will be here when you're ready.
Posted by Pat McMahon | June 25, 2008 10:09 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 22:09
I am so truely saddened by and sorry for your loss. :(
Posted by Catherine Harrison | June 25, 2008 11:01 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 23:01
You are in my thoughts.
Posted by Carol | June 25, 2008 11:25 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 23:25
oh, Claudia. You are right, 55 is too young. *hugs* I wish there was something I could say, but having just watched my mother go through this, I know there isn't. Please know that we are here if you need anything.
Posted by Aimee | June 25, 2008 11:49 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 23:49
Claudia, here's wishing you lots of comforting thoughts and memories. I'm so very sorry. Please know that you are well loved, and hang in there.
Posted by Maegan | June 26, 2008 1:39 AM
Posted on June 26, 2008 01:39
My thoughts and heart and prayers are with you.
Posted by grace | June 26, 2008 10:36 AM
Posted on June 26, 2008 10:36
My dearest Claudia. Thinking of you. I will always carry a piece of Irwin in my heart and I shall be forever thankful to Irwin for sinking all of those tequillas that I could never manage to drink! xxx
Posted by Helen C | July 7, 2008 8:36 AM
Posted on July 7, 2008 08:36